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Post by neverlandlostgirl on Jan 12, 2018 10:46:44 GMT
"Yes."
She dropped her gaze to her sandwich and suddenly picked it up off the plate, taking a huge bite from it so that her mouth was crammed full. It was hardly ladylike but it gave the medical examiner a chance to sort through her emotions and decide if and how she wanted to continue this story.
After chewing on turkey, bacon and onion for a few moments, she realized that now she had started to talk about this it was easier to continue. Funny, for so long she had just shut down, not wanting to bring up even the barest mention of what had happened. Now, however, it wasn't nearly as painful as it had once been. If anything, talking with the right people helped.
She finally swallowed her mouthful of food, putting the sandwich back down on the plate. She began to speak and although she talked more slowly then her usual hyper pace, she never faltered in what she said to Weiss.
"After I went wild and disappeared into the swamp, he went looking for me. He wasn't the only one of course, several people I knew went with him. I doubt any of them could have accomplished by themselves what they did as a group and I owe them all my life. But Axel did more than just save my physical life. Even after I was cured, a part of me was dying."
Here she finally came to a pause, uncertain if Weiss would be able to understand just what she was saying. How could you explain to someone that even after your physical life was saved, a deeper part of you could still slowly be slipping away, suffocating under the weight of guilt and drowning in a sea of despair? How could you ever tell someone that a piece of your very self was fading into a darkness that in some ways was worse than death?
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Post by angelofmusic1992 on Jan 13, 2018 4:58:51 GMT
Weiss was quiet as she listened. Going wild and disappearing into the swamp, it sounded a lot like what happened to her. It seemed like a common place people ran to. Maybe it was because it felt so secluded from the rest of Bellerouge. Either way, the parallels between what happened to Anna and what happened to her weren't lost on her. A lot of people had come looking for her too. Axel had pulled her out of whatever rut she was falling into, and Riku had done the same for her. He'd literally banished the demons inside her head. Now, she just had the metaphorical ones to deal with. But getting rid of them wouldn't be nearly as easy. And judging by how Anna suddenly went quiet, Weiss figured she probably felt the same way. "The guilt never goes away, does it?" she said. "It just kind of hangs around and you feel like you have to apologize for everything. Am right?"
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Post by neverlandlostgirl on Jan 13, 2018 12:04:32 GMT
"Yeah, for a long time it felt that way. I didn't see how I could ever forgive myself."
Anna wasn't really looking at Weiss as she spoke and instead was fiddling with the napkin that had come out with her food, folding it in what seemed to be a random pattern but in fact wasn't. And despite not looking into Weiss' clear blue eyes, by some deep instinct she knew that Weiss understood perfectly. It was as if she were giving off some hidden signal, some kind of energy that was almost exactly the same as Anna's.
Words didn't need to be spoken because she and Weiss were both coming from the same place. True, the circumstances for how they had ended up where they were differed but it all boiled down to the same thing in the end. Both had made a horrible mistake in anger, both had nearly died for it and both had nearly been consumed by the guilt and shame of their actions. And there was one other thing they had in common....
"But then someone helped me forgive myself."
At these words, Anna looked up from where she had been folding her napkin. Her face was lit up in a truly beautiful smile, the sorrow banished from it as a radiant glow seemed to come off the young medical examiner.
"Axel helped me do that. Just like I'm sure someone helped you do the same."
At these words she opened her hands so that what she had been doing with the napkin became clear. What had seemed like restless fidgeting turned out to be much more then that for the napkin was now an origami butterfly.
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Post by angelofmusic1992 on Jan 13, 2018 23:28:49 GMT
Weiss knew that feeling perfectly. She hadn't hurt anyone too bad while she'd lost control, but it could have been a lot worse. She could have killed Riku, or Yang, or a guest at her parents' party. It wasn't just the guilt from what she'd done that ate away at her. Sometimes, her mind just couldn't help but picture what might have happened, the "what ifs" as Yang called them. It took a lot of control to not let thoughts like that consume you, and it was something Weiss was still working on. But, it was like Anna said. Someone came around and helped her forgive herself. Riku was doing the same for Weiss, as was everyone else who cared about her. They'd forgiven her so easily and were determined to make sure she had a better life. She wasn't alone anymore. "Yeah. Riku's been...he's been great, at helping me out." In a way, Riku understood best what she'd gone through. Not only had he been abused by Ciri and Jacques, he'd also been consumed by dark voodoo for a time. It still flabbergasted Weiss, how he'd gone through all that and she hadn't even known. But, the revelation had brought the two of them closer together. Still, there was one thing about all this that Weiss felt like she had to get off her chest. "Listen, I'm...sorry, for not being there when you were going through all this," she said. "I know you probably don't hate me for it and I was dealing with my own stuff at the time and blah blah blah, but I just want to say sorry anyway." She paused a bit before continuing. "I was getting into dark voodoo when Dorian and I found out about your experiments. Really, the reason I didn't tell anyone about them was because I was doing some dangerous stuff myself. I felt like it would have been...hypocritical of me, to criticize what you were doing."
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Post by neverlandlostgirl on Jan 15, 2018 7:47:07 GMT
Anna glanced up at Weiss and smiled but didn't say anything for a moment, instead putting the finishing touches on her napkin butterfly. Despite keeping her hands busy, she gave no indication of not listening to the other woman's words or ignoring her feelings. After seeming happy with the creation in her hands, she spoke.
"You know what I've learned recently from everything that's happened?"
Here she paused and looked up from the napkin butterfly, her warm blue eyes looking directly into the cooler blue gaze of Weiss. The beautiful smile hadn't left her face the entire time and a certain warmth seemed to radiate from it, a humble warmth that nonetheless seemed to make the space around them seem that much brighter.
"When we ask others to forgive us oftentimes what we're really asking for is us to forgive ourselves. When you've done something wrong, something that's hurt others, we just get stuck in it. We can't move past it. But others, their kindness, their support, they finally help us move past it all. So know that I forgive you Weiss..."
At this, Anna gently put the napkin butterfly down in front of the pale girl sitting across from her, a girl that seemed so different from her and yet so similar.
"...so long as you forgive me."
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Post by angelofmusic1992 on Jan 16, 2018 1:26:21 GMT
Well, Anna certainly hit the nail on the head. Apologizing to nearly everyone she knew had been Weiss's way of not hating herself so much. If others forgave her, then maybe she wasn't as bad as she thought, and she could forgive herself too. Of course, everyone forgiving her so easily still confounded her a little bit. It was so different from what she was used to. Then again, she was used to the abuse that her parents dealt her. Their behavior towards her hadn't been right. The way her true family and friends treated her was what people were supposed to do. She nodded at Anna. "Yeah, I forgive you," she said. How could she not? Anna's serum experiments had been almost similar to her and her shadow spirits. To not forgive would be like not forgiving herself.
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Post by neverlandlostgirl on Jan 20, 2018 8:40:50 GMT
The words had barely left Weiss' mouth before Anna suddenly stood up and, leaning across the table, managed to hug her. It was somewhat awkward because of the angle and how she hadn't hesitated in the slightest, but there was something in the warmth of her embrace and the gentle strength of her arms that made all the things words could never say clear. Anna continued to smile softly as she hugged Weiss, letting the moment stretch a bit before finally releasing her and sitting down once more. Even then, the grin on her face hadn't changed.
"Thanks Weiss."
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Post by angelofmusic1992 on Jan 20, 2018 15:03:47 GMT
The hug was unexpected, and Weiss jumped slightly out of surprise. Physical affection was still something she was getting back into. Her parents hadn't exactly been good at that sort of thing. But she soon relaxed and returned Anna's hug. It seemed like both of them were in a better place now, after dealing with so much hardship and turmoil. They had friends looking out for them now. And in Anna's case, she even had a boyfriend to help her out too. Weiss didn't know if she had any romance in her future, or if she could even handle something like that, but she was content with the relationships she had right now. She had her brother, and her friends, and citizens who supported her and were outraged by her parents' behavior. That was enough to give her peace of mind. Anna broke the hug and thanked Weiss with a smile. "You're welcome," she replied, smiling as well.
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Post by neverlandlostgirl on Jan 23, 2018 6:09:06 GMT
Anna had felt Weiss jerk when she first put her arms around her, but she also sensed when the younger woman relaxed and seemed to embrace the hug. That was enough for the young medical examiner and she continue to smile across the table at her companion for a few moments. It was only when she caught sight of the black metal clock hanging from the cafes wall that she remembered she was only on a lunch break.
"Oh, better stop talking so much and get down to chowing or I'll have spent my whole break gabbing away!"
Speaking lightly despite being shorter on time then she had thought, Anna picked up her sandwich and quickly got to work on it. Even then she somehow managed to speak in between bites while still being polite despite a full mouth.
"So what's been going on for you lately? I've heard some things around the BPD but I don't trust gossip till I hear it from the person it's about."
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Post by angelofmusic1992 on Jan 24, 2018 0:52:01 GMT
Anna mentioned getting back to her sandwich and Weiss remembered that she had a cup of coffee to finish before it got cold. She sipped it as Anna chowed down on her sandwich, although she still managed to ask what else Weiss had been up to. "Besides joining the Bilge Rats, I guess I've just been trying to get reacquainted with all my friends and stuff," she said. "Pretty much going through the whole apologizing thing that I did with you." She leaned back in her seat. "It's weird. I wanted to be the voodoo queen for so long. But it was mainly so I could be in charge of myself instead of my parents. Now that I'm out of their reach...I'm not entirely sure what I'm gonna do." Sure, most people would say she had plenty of time to think about her career path, but the uncertainly was always lurking in the back of Weiss's mind. If she couldn't do voodoo for a living, what else was there?
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Post by neverlandlostgirl on Jan 25, 2018 5:17:02 GMT
Anna nodded her head as she continued to devour her sandwich while still listening to Weiss. She could understand where the young woman was coming from. After all, for a long time she had thought that becoming a doctor was the only future for her. If asked what she wanted to do if she didn't become a doctor, she would have merely stared at them for a long time before stating it was all she wanted to be. Only that hadn't been true. She HAD wanted something more.
And it wasn't until she'd been confronted by something that had rattled her world, that had made her question her view of things, that she'd realized she could be something else, that she could choose to be something else! It wasn't until she'd found that body...
"You know, sometimes the big changes that happen to us in life, the good ones and the bad, actually help us realize we aren't stuck with just one choice. Its almost like we're looking through a dirty window. You can only see out of the sections where the dirt isn't blocking the view and after long enough you come to believe that's all that lies outside the window. Then something comes along and BANG!"
Here, Anna slammed her hand against the table while still holding the remains of her sandwich in the other.
"The glass gets broken and you see EVERYTHING you couldn't see before! Ok, so you might get cut on the broken glass or maybe the sun hurts your eyes or maybe it's all just too much to take in at once, but you're finally getting to see all the things you were missing before! And you finally realize the world is so much bigger then what that dirty window let you see."
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Post by angelofmusic1992 on Jan 26, 2018 1:17:38 GMT
Anna seemed to understand where Weiss was coming from, and even had some advice to offer. She did have a point. Being with her parents had been like looking through that dirty window. Her choices had been limited to what her mother and father approved of. Now that she was living with Riku now, she had endless possibilities to explore. Her brother would be fine with whatever she chose. She had no boundaries like she had with her parents. Although it did feel like the suddenly clean window was blinding her. There was so much to choose from that it was a little overwhelming. "Yeah, having the sun hurt my eyes is a bit better than having the dirty window in the first place," she agreed. She'd just have to take it one day at a time and figure things out at her own pace. That was what Riku always stressed.
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Post by neverlandlostgirl on Jan 28, 2018 5:42:01 GMT
"Yeah, its not always an easy thing. I know several people had to help me see past my own dirty window."
As she spoke, Anna's grin fell ever so slightly from her face as she thought back to when the idea for a serum first entered her mind. She'd become so single-minded in her belief that such a serum would help people, it had blinded her to everything else. She'd refused to see beyond what that one section of window could show her, so to speak. It was thanks to people like Axel, the Colt brothers and Jenna that she'd finally been able to see past all that. And it had cost her dearly...
However, despite these lingering bad feelings, Anna came back to herself with a small shake. Yes, she wasn't completely over what had happened but she was healing and, more importantly, she wasn't letting it control her life anymore. She was finally moving past it.
"Seems like we're both blinking in the sun a bit. Still, its nice to finally be in the light again."
With that said, the medical examiner finished off the last of her sandwich with quiet efficiency before wiping at her lips with a napkin.
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Post by angelofmusic1992 on Jan 28, 2018 15:10:12 GMT
Weiss could agree with Anna on that one. She'd been fixated on becoming the voodoo queen and gaining more power for so long, it had made her blind to everything else. Of course, her shadow spirits had helped in that regard as well: turning her away from her friends, making her feel like she could trust only them and nobody else. Now, things were brighter, and she wasn't narrowly focused on one thing anymore. Her new goal now was to get better. After that, she could dedicate some time to figuring out what she wanted to do with her life. "The light is better," Weiss agreed.
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Post by neverlandlostgirl on Jan 31, 2018 10:49:29 GMT
"Yeah, it really is."
Anna spoke slowly as she put the remains of her sandwich back on the plate, realizing just how right the words were. She'd allowed herself to wallow in the dark for too long, to believe that was all she deserved after the horrible things she had done. And while some of that darkness was still alive inside of her, hiding in the corners of her mind, she knew it was far better to live in the light.
She fell silent for a few moments with a half-smile on her lips. She might have said more if her blue eyes hadn't stayed back to the clock and widened upon realizing how late it was. Her break was almost over!
"Oh gummy bears, I have to get back to work! Those blood tests won't run themselves!"
Jumping out of her seat, she crammed the last bite of sandwich into her mouth before fishing a few loose bills out of her pocket and tossing them down on her empty plate. However, she didn't pelt out of the Nevermore just yet but instead took a napkin and began to write on it with a pen shaped like an ice cream cone.
"Sorry about running off like this Weiss, but I gotta get back to the BPD lickity split! We should still totally hang out sometime when I'm not trying to beat the clock. Here's my number, just give me a ring!"
With that said, she pushed the napkin at the younger woman with a grin on her face.
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